Bre's Random Escapades

Love Covers All

2011-10-16T22:58:00.005-04:00

A couple of weeks ago at church I prayed that God would turn our church and all believers into a “blanket of love to cover the world.” The apostle Paul had much the same idea: I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. (Colossians 2:2 MSG)

What is there to be known of God? He is not a feeling or a daydream of love. He IS love. He created and is the embodiment of, love.

What is the feeling we get during praise and worship? I figured it out today. We enter into the presence of God, the presence of love. So what else can it be? As we praise, we invite God in and its His love that surrounds us.

That electric feeling when we praise, the chills that are simultaneously warm, the weight that is not a burden, its love. Pure love, surrounding us as we come together in worship. How does it feel to you? Is it the same as I have described or is it completely different?

Love weaves us together. It makes us into something that can take away the chill of the bleak existence of unbelievers. Coming together in worship, but having our own unique revelation of God, it can change the world.

Heavenly Humor

2011-01-18T15:00:00.005-05:00

How you ever noticed that God has a sense of humor? Not a mean, antagonistic sense by any means. Neither is it strictly funny. He has his own sense of humor and I dare say He, at least, finds it hilarious.

A few months ago, I was reading Proverbs 31 and asking to God to show me what kind of young woman He desires me to be. This verse is one the really stood out on the page.

Proverbs 31:25 NLT
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.

I've never really been one to laugh at the things ahead of me. I'm usually more likely to hide from them until my family kindly but firmly forces me to act. So the idea of me laughing without fear of the future almost sounds absurd.

I prayed the verse over my life anyway and waited to see where God would lead. He knows how I am striving to trust my life into His exceedingly capable hands.

Lately, God is doing things in my life that I didn't ask for or expect, but they are undoubtedly good for me. I find myself talking to Him during the day and saying things like "Of course, you would want me to do that." and "Look here, I don't really find your sense of humor all that funny."

Our Heavenly Father's sense of humor often involves us doing things we wouldn't be particularly inclined to do on our own. I feel the words of His own dear son accurately describe how I generally feel towards what God asks me to do.

Matthew 26:41
The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

I can just imagine how He grins as I jiggle the door handle on a door I wish would open. How He must laugh as He throws open a door I didn't expect! Indeed, He unbars doors so fast, I almost fall into the room beyond.

Happy Not-So-New Year.

2011-01-15T13:53:00.002-05:00

In my first post on this blog, I was fourteen, convinced I wouldn't make it through high school if the work got any more burdensome, and awed by my brother's freedom to go and do. I couldn't drive, I'd never even been payed to babysit, and I'm so glad I didn't know in advance what all God had in store for me. I would've ran and hid, no doubt about it.

I sit here now, closer to sixteen than my parents would care to admit, and reflect on the past year or so. I've learned a lot of necessary lessons I wouldn't care to repeat. I've done a lot of things I was certain I could not do. I've missed my brother terribly and indeed I miss him already, even though we only dropped him back off at college a few days ago.

I can drive now. My mother chews gum to relieve stress when I drive, but I can drive.

I've applied for a job. What a long, interesting story that turned out to be. Nevertheless, I go in for a second interview next week.

Now I desire to sit quietly and let issues of my heart remain between my Heavenly Father and I. I want to learn His statutes because He is always faithful.

"The things we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God."
-Elizabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity

I'm Looking

2010-12-17T22:29:00.002-05:00

I want so much to go on a mission trip next summer. I've always wanted to, but this past summer taught me the reality. It's tough to go and do and forget about yourself in a selfless endeavor to help others. But I also learned something else. If God tells you to do something you're certain you can't do, then you definitely can. You just need God's help to do it.

So, I'm looking. Honestly, there are way too many options when it comes to mission trips. I don't where to start. I want so much to have it settled that I'm going to a foreign country to spread the love of Christ. I want to have to rely on God for the funds necessary for a trip once again.

I kind of feel like I'm a about to run a race, but I can't find the starting line. Obviously, prayer is the right place to start in all situations; and I have been praying, but I don't think it wise to just sit around waiting for something to happen. I have to take a step at some point. God will provide a way. I just have to be willing to go forward.

So where do I go from here? I have absolutely no idea. . . at the moment. I'd love to hear of any mission trip opportunities you may know of.

Isaiah 6:8
Then I heard the Lord asking, “Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?” I said, “Here I am. Send me.”

O.C.C.

2010-12-05T01:06:00.005-05:00

One day I'm going to relearn how to sleep. For now though, I'm just going to write blog posts at 1:07 AM.

I've had two opportunities to volunteer at Operation Christmas Child this week. I'll skip the rundown on what it is. You can just click here and learn all about it.

I love it there. In fact, I've wanted to work there since I was about five. Last year, due to a series of unfortunate events in years past, was my first year to finally get to volunteer there.

Being at O.C.C. is like a breath of clean air. Joyful, hardworking people serving God creates an atmosphere of excitement and hope. If it were up to me, I would simply stay. I wouldn't leave when my shift was up. I would just stay in that place where I feel like I belong.

It's such a wonderful way to change a life. I can't travel all the places where these boxes go. I can't personally hand out boxes and share the gospel with people who have never heard it (though believe me, I would if I could). But, I can give up a few hours of my time to sort through some shoeboxes that will be a part of the life-changing process.

Plus, they make it easy. For the people who simply do not have time to pack a shoebox or volunteer, there is the Build-A-Box option. How cool is that? Just design a box online and they'll put it together for you.

One last thing. Working there has made me realize how very blessed I am. In my life, a shoebox is something that comes with a pair of stylish, new boots. In the lives of the recipients, a shoebox is hope, life, and an open door to salvation.

Story Time

2010-12-02T15:50:00.003-05:00

I've been reading some of my favorite bible stories over the past few days. I'd like to share my thoughts on a few of my favorite passages.

I've always loved the story of Esther. As an orphan raised by her cousin, she became the wife of a pagan king and queen of a foreign land. In a shocking turn of events, she revealed herself as a servant of the one true God and saved her people from the hand of an evil adversary. What a wonderful miracle. And yet, she was human. she feared for her own life as well as for the lives of her people.

Esther 4:-17 ESV

And they told Mordecai what Esther had said. Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, "Do not think to yourself that in the king’s palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?"

I love Mordecai's honesty. This man, the man who raised and cared for Esther, did not hesitate to tell her the absolute truth. Serve God or perish. I also admire his faith. He knew deliverance was coming, no matter where it came from.

- - - - -

Ruth could've gone back to her family like her sister-in-law, Orpah. She could've lived in her homeland and remarried from among her own people. She could've worshiped her own gods and lived her own life, but she didn't.

Ruth 1:15-18 NIV

“Look,” said Naomi, “your sister-in-law is going back to her people and her gods. Go back with her.”

But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.” When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.

Ruth was different. She chose to forsake her own people and follow after a woman who had nothing to give her. It cannot be denied that she truly loved her Mother-in-law. Something about the God of her husband and his family must have made a deep impact
upon her heart.

- - - - -

Daniel 3:16-18 NIV

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Faced with a terrible death, they did not back down. It strikes me that I, a child saved by the grace of God, am often hesitant to speak up about my love for my Savior. While these men, to whom Christ's salvation had not yet come, were willing to die for their God, no questions asked. Oh that I would learn to love my God as they did; with reckless abandon.

The Definition of Miscellaneous

2010-10-11T12:55:00.004-04:00

okay, so I never got around to writing "He Restore's My Soul - Part 2". I guess "He Restores My Soul - Part 1" Will have to stand alone. I had some interesting stuff to say, but whatever, moving on.

Happy birthday little blog! You turned one year old on October 5th. Sorry I didn't realize that until just now. . .

I got to see my big brother this weekend! we went down to Georgia for his fall break. It was then my worst fear were realized. He does, indeed, have a beard. Oh, the horror! Just kidding, it actually looks really good on him and makes him look a lot older than me that he actually is.

I took the PSAT this morning. Though as a whole it seemed to take a lot less time than it actually did, the math sections seemed to last forever. Have I mentioned I dislike math with a "passion, fire, and burnin' desire*" ?

You may remember (though I rather doubt it) that in my very first post I mentioned we didn't have a couch. Well, almost exactly a year later, we finally have a beautiful chocolate brown sofa sitting in the living room.

It has been a year full of going to people's houses and lounging on their luxurious couches. After months and months of trying out every sofa, chaise, and futon at IKEA, our living room is no longer only filled with uncomfortable chairs and an eleven dollar recliner. Oh, happy day!

*To quote my friend Abigail with whom I homeschooled with for a year in eighth grade.

He Restore's My Soul - Part 1

2010-09-29T20:36:00.005-04:00

Psalm 23 NIV

A psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

When I was a little kid, my mom decided that She, my brother, and I would start memorizing passages of scripture. I am truly thankful for this because these scriptures have a funny way of coming back to my remembrance at the perfect moment and telling me what I need to hear.

As I was worshiping during praise and worship at my youth group tonight, one thought kept flahing in my head. He restores my soul. I felt restored. I've felt God filling my life with good things over the past few days.

The past few months, I've felt worn and ragged. Soul searching was like traveling a desert wasteland. If my soul is a bucket, it was empty. I cherished anything that could fill me up. I found very little that would do so. Yet I believed for better, more joyous times. I knew they had to come eventually. And they did.

Autumn, for me, you cannot come too quickly

2010-09-20T14:20:00.004-04:00

I tend to like seasons as they come and let them pass as they end, (with the exception of the last two months of winter) but this year I'm craving fall. Normally, I reach the end of summer ready to tolerate some cooler weather and school, but I've been craving Autumn leaves since midsummer.

Fall, with it's pumpkin flavored things (like those six pumpkin chocolate chip cookies I ate yesterday. . .It's not my fault, really.) and the spicy smell of cinnamon candles. I can't wait feel the delicious, skin prickling chill in the air when the breeze causes a rain of crunchy brown leaves.

It's harvest time. It's time to reap the bounty the Lord has blessed us with and be thankful for His faithful provision. With thanksgiving, let's enjoy time with family and friends to the utmost. May simple pleasures abound like God's grace.

Every leaf speaks bliss to me,
Fluttering from the autumn tree.
Emily Bronte

Life Lately

2010-09-16T21:04:00.003-04:00

Alas it is time to update my blog. I really should do this more often but, well, I have no excuse.

Let's talk about school. I actually kind of might really like it right now. This year I'm taking Geometry, Anatomy and Physiology, Latin II, American Government, Art Appreciation, and British Literature. Math and Science have never been my thing but I've quite enjoyed them both so far.

I attend an art co-op on Thursday afternoons. I never used to like sketching but I really feel like I'm learning and I'm starting to realize that not every stroke has to be perfect. My self portrait looks nothing like me, but I can now draw a very convincing puppy. I can't wait until we start using charcoal next semester.

I found the Original Broadway Cast recording of The Lion King at the library. It. Is. Awesome. I also checked out the soundtrack for Walk The Line, starring Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. I really like that the director insisted the actors record their own vocals rather than use the originals from the characters they played.

Oh, and I'm so close to getting my permit. I just need to do the driving portion of my Driver's Ed. I await the call of my instructor.

Something I think is absolutely inspiring is Psalm 18. You really should go read the whole thing, but here's an excerpt.

Psalm 18:25-28 NIV
To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.
You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.

(Awesome Title)

2010-08-31T21:22:00.003-04:00

School has started back. I feel like this statement should be accompanied by loud groans and words of protest, but honestly, I'm happy about it. I don't particularly like academics, but I'm ready to enjoy a brand new school year.

It's been a long, exhausting summer where I was almost never home and I was happy for the chance to travel. But these past few weeks I've been thankful to just be home. I've been happy to have time to recover and rest.

Last week I had Driver's Ed. It required hard work and getting up at 5:45 in the morning, but it wasn't awful. Of course, if you ask me about it, I'll probably be able to come up with a long list of dislikes, but it really wasn't terrible.

My brother has been at college for just over two weeks. I'm not going to see him for another month. I miss him quite a bit. I keep expecting him to come home from work and sit and talk to me while we watch TV, but he doesn't come. I miss watching Trading Spouses with him while eating Sour Patch Kids.

I like having time to enjoy reading books again. It's a simple pleasure that I've missed greatly. I just read the first Harry Potter book and I'm eagerly awaiting the second one to come in at the library. Over time I've learned to really appreciate a well written book.

I'm utterly thankful to not be attending my usual co-op this year. I really feel like I heard from God when He stirred my heart to take a break from it. I'd been attending for the past four years and it was just time for a change. While I'll miss seeing my friends every Thursday, I won't miss the overabundance of homework.

Psalm 62:11 & 12 NIV
One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,
and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.

Monthly Update

2010-08-15T20:07:00.005-04:00

Well, this past month has been long and hard in some ways and wonderful in others. I haven't had a spare moment to catch my breath, much less write an entire blog post. So I'll just catch you up on the highlights.

Basically, the week before I went to Texas was one of the hardest weeks of my life. I spent most of it in tears and the other part of it frantically trying to get ready for my trip. Satan was not happy about my decision to Serve God. He fought me hard. He lost.

When I got to Texas, it was absolutely and terrifyingly fantastic and I did things I didn't think I could do. In fact, I knew I couldn't do it. But an amazing thing happened when I got there. I found out it's possible to push past fear. I discovered an ability within me that allowed me to acknowledge fear, to be utterly afraid, and then push past it and do what needed to be done.

I can only accredit this to God. I know He was the one who supported me through aching feet caused by eighteen hour days, severe stage fright, and and various other things I have not the strength to overcome. I looked up to God and said, "Father, I can't do this, but you can. use me for your good." He did as I asked and I will never regret doing what he asked. Because I obeyed, hundreds of children were ministered to.

I came home exhausted but very happy. I can't wait until next year so I can see all of my teammates again.

The next week was spent in preparation for my brother's departure to college. Who knew you could pack so many T-shirts in a mini fridge when you run out of space elsewhere? We headed to Georgia with a fully laden vehicle and almost no leg room.

Just because the clouds have a sense of humor, it started raining about an hour before I had to say goodbye to my brother. So, we stood in the rain as he gave me a hug that squashed my nose into his shoulder. I gave him a muffled "I love you too, but I can't breathe." that he understood even though it probably sounded like gibberish. I bet the fact that he understood has to do with how we used to (okay, we still do) talk to each while we brushed our teeth. Speaking with a mouth full of toothpaste will teach you how to understand anything your only sibling says.

I'm going to start school in about two weeks, but before that I have something else to accomplish. Drivers-ed. Yay. Enough said.

I'm actually quite looking forward to this school year. I know it will be different without my brother around, but I know also it will be full of good times and laughter and a lot of learning.

I feel as if I've been transported back to my past. While harder since I'm very much in high school, the coming months will be filled with a lot of time spent with some old friends. people I've missed but haven't had the time to reconnect with. I grew up with these people. I played with some of them when we were just little homeschool kids.

For me, it feels like once again we're young and hurrying to finish school so we can play. But we're all taller. I open my eyes and we've all grown up. we've all changed our hairstyles and most of us have opinions on politics rather than the latest Star Wars or Lord of The Rings movie. We've begun to realize our skill sets and we really don't have a lot in common other then the bond of time spent together as children. But for me, that bond is not a particularly easy one to break.

I'm pressing on into God's plan for me, and he's reuniting me with people from my past. it makes me very happy to once again have these people as a part of my everyday life.

I'm ready to get serious about serving God in my ordinary life and see Him use me in extraordinary ways. Some people have told me, "you're only fifteen, just enjoy life and have fun." but I see it differently. suddenly I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm fifteen already. I'm not an adult and I'm not ready to shoulder the responsibility that would entail, but I have grown.

All that to say, It's been a very long and slightly confusing month. However, I finally believe God can do anything. I keep repeating that to myself and it makes my heart glad every time.

Deus est Bonum

2010-07-14T09:30:00.007-04:00

I've prayed the prayer of Jabez for years. You know, the dude whose name meant "pain" and yet God blessed him because Jabez wanted to be more honorable for Him. His prayer went like this.

1 Chronicles 4:10 NASB
Now Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying,
"Oh that You would bless me indeed,
and enlarge my border, and that Your hand might be with me,
and that You would keep me from harm that it may not pain me!"
And God granted him what he requested.

Jabez asked for quite a lot, but he knew God could handle it. He seemed to have a really strong grasp on who God is. He knew Him as his provider and protector.

This past week, I've had two people offer to pay for the remainder of my trip. I'm simply thankful and very much in awe of God. He is always faithful. I think I understand, now, how Jabez trusted God and knew He would provide.

Not As Easy As It Looks, Is It?

2010-07-06T20:12:00.004-04:00

One day you’ll live completely sold out for God. Everything you do will revolve around his mercy and love. Everyone you meet will know by the shining joy you have, even in the hard times, that you are a child of the Living God.

That is an excerpt from my last blog post. It summarizes what I hope my future will be. I have many expectations and my future always looks different when I'm looking at it from a distance.

I tend to forget that the future can only come one day at a time. I try to remember that I must maintain the enthusiasm I feel when I take a break from my real life. It always seems very plausible when I'm not actually living my everyday, ordinary life.

Texas was amazing. I have never felt so close to God nor have a ever seen so many young people who long to serve their Heavenly Father to the best of their abilities. We were (are) a team and we functioned like a team. I was surrounded with love and I couldn't help but share it. It was an overall healthy environment. And these were people I had never met. I got a clear picture of how the body of Christ should be.

But when I came home to where the love is no less real, but much more familiar, I felt the urge to slip back into the old patterns of "I can handle this part, God.". I lost my edge and slipped into the same routine. Find something to complain about, eat breakfast, wish the workout would magically happen without effort, try and fail to stay enthusiastic about cleaning the dishes.

I'm human. I'm learning to let God lead, but I make mistakes. I slip up. I wander a little off the path. I wish I could always be cheerful and glad, but sometimes I just don't feel it. My life is good, but my heart is not satisfied with good; it longs for miracles and excitement. Gratefulness sometimes gets forgotten. I'm young, I don't have the wisdom of years to aide me. I'm hasty and I don't recognize the beauty of the little things when I should.

Granted, I have actually made changes, but I've lost the excitement that comes from something new and unknown. There's only so many ways you can rearrange the furniture before you run out of fresh ideas. It's the same with life. The normal, everydayness doesn't change much.

And to think I was so excited to be coming home. I was so glad to get to see and love on my family. I wanted so much to share the love that had been shared with me and yet pretty much all I've done is slept and been grumpy since I got home.

I'm being honest with myself and with you. I must learn to love God the most even when I'm tired and fatigued. I need to rely on him even when it's uncomfortable. I have so far to go, but I know the reward will be well worth it.

-------

Revelation 4:1
Then I looked, and, oh!—a door open into Heaven. The trumpet-voice, the first voice in my vision, called out, "Ascend and enter. I'll show you what happens next."

Can A Week Change A Life? I Certainly Hope So.

2010-07-03T22:49:00.004-04:00

This is the life I have dreamed of. This is what I’ve wanted. The past week in Texas has been the realization of a thought I try to keep close to the front of my mind. A thought that says, One day you’ll live completely sold out for God. Everything you do will revolve around his mercy and love. Everyone you meet will know by the shining joy you have, even in the hard times, that you are a child of the Living God.

I seriously just looked at my own pictures on Facebook and everything seemed surreal. The pictures of me and my life seemed colorless. I have spent this entire week being so filled up with God’s love that my entire existence up until now seems like a dream. I keep thinking, Did that really happen?

I’m just kind of oddly emotional right now. I’m still processing God’s goodness (knowing I’ll never fully understand it until I’m in His presence) and I don’t know how to comprehend anything else at the moment, but it’s a good place to be. I’ve just been vulnerable before God and He’s touched my heart so much that tears form just because I love Him. I love Him so much it hurts. I’m hungry for more of Him. I want more. I am burning, striving, yearning for more of my El Shaddai.

Now the real work begins. I must keep the flames burning and take my everyday, ordinary life and place it before God as an offering. I must rely on Him in the parts of my life that I’ve managed “without help” for as long as I can remember. I must place God in and above every part of my life.

Philippians 4:13 Amplified Bible
I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

God has something big planned. The bigness would terrify me if I didn’t know firsthand how weak I am. But since I do, I also know His strength in made perfect in weakness. I have no anxious ifs, ands, or buts; Just assurance that He will complete the work He's started in me until the day of Christ’s return.

--------

Psalm 63:5 MSG
It's time to shout praises! If I'm sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours in grateful reflection. Because you've always stood up for me, I'm free to run and play. I hold on to you for dear life, and you hold me steady as a post.

Every. Little. Thing. Must. Get. Done.

2010-06-22T21:18:00.007-04:00

I'm in a detail frenzy. I'm gearing up for a a week of training, in Texas, for the convention I'm working at later this summer.

So many details must be handled. Is the luggage the right size for the airline? Is the shampoo in 3 oz. bottles? What shoes are you taking? They have to be lightweight and durable. When does your flight leave? Have you booked the flight for the second trip to Texas later in the summer? Do you have your phone charger? What time do you get home?

I just want a chance to take a deep breath and relax. I think I'll recap a little bit of the past week.

Monday: One of my best friends, Sarah, came to say goodbye before leaving for a month long mission trip to Romania.
I nearly cried when she left, but I can't wait to see what God does in her life while she's there.

Tuesday: I have no recollection of this day at all.

Wednesday: Sarah left for a week of training camp in Georgia. Mom and my brother, Dave, left for Georgia and his college orientation. I went to Charis's house for a few days.

Thursday and Friday: I watched History and American Lit. lectures with Charis since she's doing school throughout the summer. We found it funny and ironic that the History teacher was born in Japan, has a Canadian accent, and teaches American History. We also watched Toy Story 2.

Saturday: I babysat until mid afternoon. The nineteen month old little boy has learned to climb onto the coffee table. It was an adventure. Mom and Dave got home.

Sunday: The whole family just rested. I think.

Monday: The blackberries that grow near my house are ripe. Mom and I probably harvested about a quart. More will be ripe in a few days.

Tuesday: I obsessed about details and went shopping for various odds and ends, mom and I test packed my suitcase, and then I took and deep, slow breath and went to bed. . .Well, that's what I hope happens in a few minutes.

---------

Philippians 4:13 MSG
Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

Crazy Love

2010-06-06T15:34:00.004-04:00

Psalm 119: 113
I hate those who are undecided whether or not to obey you; but my choice is clear - I love your law.

I just finished reading a book called "Crazy Love". In the book, pastor Francis Chan breaks down the excuses of lukewarm Christianity. You know, the going to church on Sunday, serving God when it's convenient, doing good only when it doesn't cause you discomfort kind of life that has become the norm for American Christians.

Pastor Chan exposes that kind of living for the lie it is and makes the point that we are called to serve God, not just asked to serve him. This book opened my eyes and showed me that I must desire God above all else; That I must put God at the center of my life and see what he will do.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but the honest truth is that Christians have become complacent in their walk with God. They no longer desire a wholesome relationship with their Heavenly Father. All they want is comfort and safety. Serving God at the cost of persecution, no matter how great the reward in heaven might be, is just too much for them to handle.

I have fallen in love with God. Indeed, I wish I loved him more. I pray constantly that I would want to want God. I pray God will fill me with compassion and help me as I step outside my comfort zone and into his plan.

Psalm 119: 173 TLB
Stand ready to help me because I have chosen to follow your will.

I want to serve God because he loves me; because he cared enough about me to send his perfect and sinless son to atone for the wretched sins of this world. He would have done so if it was only me. If I were the only one who needed salvation, Christ still would've died for me.

Psalm 139: 17 & 18 TLB
How precious it is, Lord, to realize that you are thinking about me constantly! I can't even count how many times a day your thoughts turn towards me. And when I waken in the morning, you are still thinking of me!

The Return of Plan A

2010-05-26T14:47:00.007-04:00

I went a week without eye makeup. I learned how often I turn my attention to myself. I saw clearly some things that definitely need to change inside me. I also realized how much I want to spend my life in service to my Heavenly Father.

I decided to make some changes to help me refocus on God's plan. The next week, I went without Facebook. Going without Facebook isn't really a very hard thing for me. I mean, I've done it before, but I felt like it was what I needed to do. So, Sunday to Sunday I stayed away from Facebook and found other ways to spend my free time.

Because of this, I checked my email more often. On Monday, an email appeared in my inbox that has changed my entire plan for the summer. Remember that convention I applied for; the one I got a rejection letter from? Well, I got accepted! They had one extra spot and they picked me to be a part of the team.

One extra spot. Just one. And they picked the girl who knew she was supposed to be there even though she had never done it before.

I love seeing how God makes all things work together for my good. His plan is always better than mine. Even when I don't understand why he's asking me to do something or why things turn out the way they do. So right now, I'm basking in God's love and preparing my heart for a summer of children's ministry.

Here's an excerpt from the support letters I'm in the process of writing:

I am simply answering the call of a big God who likes to use His small children for great works. As I go throughout this summer, I know I will find that God is with me every step of the way. My heart’s desire is to impact this world for my Heavenly Father and I believe this is just a stepping stone into the plan He has for me. Even if you don’t feel called to contribute, I humbly ask that you would take a moment to pray for this trip and all of my teammates as we serve God together this summer.

This pretty much sums up my thoughts about this chance that I never expected to have. God is good.

------

Jeremiah 1:7-10 NLT
The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said,“Look, I have put my words in your mouth! Today I appoint you to stand up against nations and kingdoms".

A Week Without Eye Makeup

2010-05-09T11:57:00.001-04:00

Ever since I compared eye makeup to the blinding affect of sin, I've been wearing it on a regular basis. How ironic is that? I love eye makeup. It's fun wearing lime green eyeshadow and having your brother call you "Highlighter Eyes" and asking if you can shoot lasers out of your eyes. I like how it makes your eyes look bigger and (at least for me) makes you feel more confident.

The other day, I was complaining to my friend via text message about how I didn't want a new phone, but I was getting one because the new one would be cheaper. Her reply humbled me. She said, "I could give you the 'little children in Africa' talk, but I won't."

Wow. How in the world have I become so self centered? I'm not starving. I never do without. What's happened to me?

It didn't take more than a few seconds for me to figure it out. I immediately realized the slow steps toward the "me first" mentality I've been taking. Over the past few months, I've focused on me. I've started working out, I've drastically altered my appearance, and I've cut my hair.

Now, I did all this because I felt God leading me to really figure out who I am. The whole time I've been doing so, I've filled myself up with scriptures of who God says I am. So, I don't consider any of this wrong. God wants me to be confident in who I am in him.

Now though, I feel it's time to become aware of something other than just me. So, I'm taking a week off from eye makeup. What difference will that make? You may ask. well, It's like this: I don't in any way think eye makeup is bad or evil, but I'm physically taking action to remind myself to open my eyes to what God is saying and to the needs of others.

Let's see where this takes me.

Hair, or The Lack Thereof

2010-04-30T08:44:00.006-04:00

I may have just cut all my hair off. . .but it was for a good cause! I'm donating it to Locks of Love again.

WHAT IS LOCKS OF LOVE?
Locks of Love is a public non-profit organization that provides hairpieces to financially disadvantaged children in the United States and Canada under age 21 suffering from long-term medical hair loss from any diagnosis. We meet a unique need for children by using donated hair to create the highest quality hair prosthetics. Most of the children helped by Locks of Love have lost their hair due to a medical condition called alopecia areata, which has no known cause or cure. The prostheses we provide help to restore their self-esteem and their confidence, enabling them to face the world and their peers.

Mission Statement
Our mission is to return a sense of self, confidence and normalcy to children suffering from hair loss by utilizing donated ponytails to provide the highest quality hair prosthetics to financially disadvantaged children. The children receive hair prostheses free of charge or on a sliding scale, based on financial need.*

*All info taken directly from locksoflove.org.

I now have extremely short hair and I am loving it!

Of Mountains and Molehills

2010-04-27T18:21:00.004-04:00

I think I may have writer’s block. That would explain my inability to think straight. I have too much in my head, but it’s trapped there until I can regain my ability to let it out.

What do you do when your only form of expression is out of reach?

I know what I do. I get competitive. I play sports with a vengeance. I pine for my years of softball playing glory. I go to a friend’s youth group and then kick butt at kickball.

I amp up my workout routine to the hardest level and lose my ability to walk like a normal human. I waddle around like a saddle sore cowboy. And yet, all I want to do is work harder; to be incapable of thinking and clear my head through hard work.

Because I realized something. I thought I was climbing a mountain. It was a hill. I thought God was asking me to jump off a cliff. It wasn’t a cliff, it was a rock.

I climbed that hill. I jumped from boulder to boulder. Only to find myself at the base of a mountain so high that mists shroud most of it.

Here I am. I can’t see much further than my first step, but I know I will need every ounce of strength within me. And I know it won’t be enough. I’ll have to rely fully on my Father in heaven.

Something BIG is looming in my future. I can’t tell how far away it is or how long it will take to get there, but I know this: It’s there, waiting for me.

Oh boy, I feel like I’m gearing up for a long journey. I’m ready. . .well, God is ready.

Philippians 4:13 NKJV
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Psalm 18:28-29 MSG
Suddenly, God, you floodlight my life;
I’m blazing with glory, God’s glory!
I smash the bands of marauders,
I vault the highest fences.

Okay, maybe I don’t have writers block. maybe I’ve been avoiding actually sitting down and writing what’s inside of me. Maybe I was scared of what I’d find. Maybe I'm extremely glad I took this time to say what I needed to say.

Plan B

2010-04-13T10:56:00.010-04:00

I woke up and I knew. "Mom, I'm going to apply for that convention this year. It's already a day past the due date, but I know God wants me to do this." A few minutes later, application forms were scattered all over the kitchen table. I filled it out, sent it in, and waited. . .

I knew before I opened it. It didn't look like my friend's acceptance letter. It didn't weigh enough. A sinking feel in my stomach was justified when my first deposit check fell out of the letter. Returned to me and I didn't want it.

Dear Bre,

Thank you so much for applying. . .Your desire to serve and be a blessing has caught God's attention!

Unfortunately, since your application was reached after our due date, all our team positions had been filled. . .I'm sorry to say we will not be able to include you on our travel team this year.

Ouch. I wanted to crumple to the floor and cry. In fact, I did. I'd been so sure. I'd just known. Yet here I was, thinking,

How is this possible? I have all the right connections. I know all the right people. My own brother was on the team last year! One of my best friends has been a part of this ministry for years! The worship leader lived in my neighborhood when I was born. He's been like a brother to me my whole life!

After the initial shock was over, I managed to put it from my mind. For the most part. Today, I just lost it. I needed to get it out of my system. Too many thoughts to mention sped through my head like race cars; too fast to fully comprehend them, but loud enough to leave me with a headache.

After bible study, Mom pointed out that obeying God and taking the the first step isn't negated because I was refused. She reminded me that I obeyed God and put it in his hands. "Sometimes God does things in such a way as to make it very clear that the door has been closed. . .for now. But he will open another door for you. Just wait and see."

She told me what I feel now is how it feels to have a book proposal rejected. She would know. She encouraged me and then reminded me to pick myself up by my bootstraps and get ready for whatever it is God does have for me.

I went and reread the letter. The last paragraph caught my attention.

God's word tells us that no good thing we do for the Lord goes unnoticed by him, so no matter what part of God's team we serve on, it's exciting to know that he's highly aware of our giving and pleased with our willing hearts.

Now, I feel. . .curious. I want to know what God wants me to do.

My advice for dealing with a serious disappointment is this: Do whatever it is you do. Cry it out, write a song about it, eat chocolate cake, go for a walk, but above all, pray that God will reveal his plan since it obviously isn't the same as your plan, it's better.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

One last thing. If you're looking for something to inspire you, read The Prayer of Jabez for Teens by Bruce Wilkinson and Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris (View their blog/website here). I highly recommend you read both of these books as a catalyst for doing great things for God. Speaking from personal experience, these books will change your life if you grab onto the message within them.

It’s a Lovely Day, It Really Is.

2010-03-26T18:46:00.003-04:00

It’s just marvelous outside. Well, I’m not actually outside, but I’m looking out the screen door and onto the deck in my backyard. The early sunset is just starting to fade to orange as I see it through the trees.

Buds are just becoming visible on the tips of branches that have shivered in the wind for these past months. Any day now, the warmth of spring should break through and bring to life all that has lain dormant.

I look forward to once again walking barefoot through the clover that seems to be taking over the backyard. I can’t wait to sink my fingers into the garden soil and plant little seedlings that will supply our vegetables this summer.

The bees are getting an early start on their harvesting. They never really leave me alone. It only takes me sitting outside for a few minutes before they come to investigate. I’ve learned, however, that they’re just curious and if I leave them alone they eventually return the favor.

I look forward to the juicy freshness of summer fruits. Strawberries and cantaloupe and oranges all sound delicious at the moment. I adore sitting on the deck with about a quarter of a watermelon and enjoying a yummy breakfast while I catch some morning rays.

. . . . .

What is you favorite thing about spring?

Feathers and Wings

2010-03-23T15:59:00.003-04:00

My focus flew out the window like a bird who's been living in a cage after having known the freedom of the open skies. As soon as it found the opportunity, it was gone.

I have no idea how I'm going to get all of my school done this week. It's just so beautiful outside. I am working, but my attention is dulled by the fresh feeling of the earth coming alive. Spring is here.

I keep staring out the window and wanting to be out there. Even as I type this, my eyes stray toward all that lovely sunshine.

God is so good. I see him working in my life and in my family and friend's lives like I've never seen before. It's so reassuring, knowing God is working in me, giving me the desire and the power to do what pleases him. (Philippians 2:13 NLT)

I see a fresh start and a new beginning. So much is changing and, though it's an odd feeling, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I like the newness of where my life is going even if it is a bit scary at times.

God has a plan. And it's a good one. In fact, it's the best possible plan of action for my life there could ever be.

Freedom. The cage slipped easily from the mind as her wings carried her upon the wind. She was flying. Not even she knew quite where, but instinct led her along the right path.

the sun warmed the stiffness out of her long unused muscles. The limitless horizon lay before her and the wind pushed her forward. If birds have facial expressions, she was smiling.

2010-03-17T15:04:00.001-04:00

I just wrote a big, long post about everything under the sun. It didn’t save. Maybe I was the only one who needed to see it. I feel better now that I’ve had the chance to empty the chaos out of my head and onto the page, even if no one else gets to see it.

Oh goodness, that was some darn good writing too.

ah well.

God is good.

Amen.

La la la la la Life is Wonderful

2010-03-10T22:42:00.002-05:00

I give up. Why bother to plan anything? Why rely on my own strength? Only God has the right plan.

I know I sound like I’m mad at God, but I’m not. I’m angry I tried, again, to handle things on my own.

God,

I will go where you send me. I will show your love to those whom you tell me to love.

Yeah, I had a bad day, but I realize that my worth is in you; not worldly circumstance.

Help me to be humble. You know how natural it is for me to focus on myself. You know how I get when everything seems to be going right. You know I fly out of control on a whim. You know me.

You also know my heart. Because you created all the intricate details of me, you know my heart is filled with compassion. You know the feeling of urgency in my soul.

I need you and I want your life now. so,

Psalm 139:24
Point out anything in me that offends you,and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

And thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, for protecting Sarah tonight. Be with her throughout all of this.

The Best Day Ever in The Universe.

2010-03-06T12:18:00.007-05:00

So I'm taking this chance to say
that I had the best day,
with you, today
-"Best Day" by Taylor Swift

My friends will probably harass me for using a Taylor Swift song to describe how wonderful my day with them was, but yesterday made me happy. It was the best.

My brother, Dave, has been needing to have his senior pictures done for a while now. Thankfully, we happen to be friends with Charis, who is like my favorite photographer EVER.

Long story short, Charis, Dave, and I decided to get together and do his senior pics. Wanting to make it epically fun, We invited Sarah (Whom my dad has decided WILL marry my brother) and her brother, Daniel (Whom I have now adopted as my best friend and who my Dad refers to as my future husband).

Daniel and Sarah, having driven to our house so we could carpool, (and so they wouldn't get lost) got to have the joyous experience of being serenaded by my brother as he played -over and over and over- the few songs he knows on guitar while I ironed his outfit for the photoshoot.

after finally deciding that Dave should wear the green shirt rather than the maroon one, we all piled into the car and plugged in my ipod. The only song we all know and love is "Haven't met you yet" by Michael Buble, So Sarah and I dubbed it our song and we arrived in high humor.

Our first stop was Panera bread, where we did what any normal group of teenagers would do. We ate and laughed and made enough noise to attract many curious glances form the adult-filled restaurant.

After that, we wandered around the area and got many inquiring looks. It was awesome. We sang songs and skipped and were generally rambunctious.

These are my favorite pictures from the whole day.

We were trying to be fangirls.

Daniel is a creeper.

The day ended with me having been told several times that Daniel and I fight like newlyweds. . .or an old, married couple.

Charis, you are the best!

When all was over and Sarah and Daniel were about to leave, one of the best moments of the entire day took place. It has become one of my favorite Facebook quotes ever.

Daniel: "I'm scared you'll punch me if I hug her(me)"
Dave: "I won't punch you. . .hard."

Best brother ever? I do believe so.

Sarah

2010-02-22T20:12:00.006-05:00

Too simple a name for so complex a person.
Sarah.
She makes me laugh.
Sarah.
She refuses to believe I'm younger than her.
Sarah.
She's made me immune to embarrassment.

I want you to meet a friend of mine. Sarah is one of my more recently acquired friends.

We met almost four months (October 28th to be exact) ago when Charis pretty much forced her to attend our youth group. The look on her face when she first arrived made it pretty evident that She DID NOT want to be there. You see, Sarah had suffered at the hands of another, rather cruel, youth group because of her quirky personality.

Sarah doesn't fit in, but that is something I absolutely adore about her. She makes it fun to be different. I love the conversations Charis, Sarah, and I have and the time we spend together cultivating friendship. I dare say Sarah doesn't regret that first visit to my -our- youth group.

Sarah is going to Romania. she will be spending a month this summer ministering to the people there. I would ask that you visit her blog and and lift her up in prayer as she serves God. I'm sure she would be jazzed (She says "jazzed" all the time) if you would do so. Also, I don't think she'd be at all opposed to a monetary donation if God lays it on your heart to do so.

Thankful

2010-02-08T14:27:00.004-05:00

I feel uninspired today. I can't seem to get my brain to focus on what I should be doing. So I finally gave up. It hit me (as I was lying on my bed staring aimlessly at the wall because of my inability to concentrate) that maybe God has something different he wants me to do today.

I'm going to post something I've been meaning to do for a while. About two or three months ago, I started a thankful journal. I've been writing down little tidbits that made me smile, or things I felt God saying, or even how God turned my failures to success. Collossians 3:15 says to cultivate thankfulness, so every day I've been trying to find at least three things that made me happy or that I am grateful for.

Here's an abbreviated list of my favorites so far:

-I'm thankful for the freedom to express myself through writing.

-I'm thankful for the realization that God's grace is ever present and willing to untangle the briers and put me back on the path.

-My brother got accepted into and offered a great scholarship to the college he wants to go to.

-I'm thankful for the wholesome, vivid feeling of seeing life through God's reality.

-I'm thankful for God's patient commitment to changing my heart.

-Mom cried after watching a Hallmark movie.

-I'm thankful for hope that lives on forever.

-I worked out hard and didn't feel like I was going to die.

-I'm thankful God shows me the value of material things is nothing compared to life in him.

-God came through for me. Again.

-I'm thankful I can always renew my commitment to do my best.

-I'm awestruck at how God strings little pieces of my life together in a pattern that puts everything in a whole new light.

-I'm thankful God is willing to let the past remain in the past.

-I'm thankful my friends put up with all my quirks.

-My brain would not shut up. My ideas formed into a story.

-I'm thankful my earthly father follows the example of my Heavenly Father.

-I'm thankful to God, who created the sun and sent his son. Both are a light to this world.

-I'm excited to see what God will do.

-I'm thankful God brings to light the true desires of my heart.

-I'm thankful for the harmony created when the body of Christ works together.

-I wrote and wrote and wrote.

-I'm thankful for the peace of God, which is greater than I can understand.

-I'm thankful to be learning discipline.

-Peace consumed me because I let go of worry.

-I'm thankful for sunshine in winter. It's like hope in a crisis.

-I laughed at my effort to sing "Frosty the snowman" with my retainer in.

-I saw clearly my need to refocus on what is important.

-I wanted only to abandon my heart to Christ.

What Can I Say? God is Good

2010-02-04T16:22:00.003-05:00

An excerpt from my bible study/random thought notebook:

God, there is peace to be had in knowing I can't do it alone. It's a relief to realize you want to take care of me. I am the sheep, you the Shepard. Sheep, sheep are dumb. They go blindly into trouble.

I"m exhausted God. I tried using my own strength again. I'm not broken, I just need rest. I'm frazzled to find I did one thing and forgot another. seemingly normal tasks overwhelm me as they pile up, waiting to be done.

I love you. I know you love me, so I'm coming boldly to the throne of grace. I openly admit my failure apart from you. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now, but here we are again. I'm ready to put the past behind me. I'm eager to show my love by service. Teach me your ways.

After writing this, I flipped back a page to something else I had written a few days before. I don't remember much about writing it, so I was shocked when I found this:

My Daughter, I have never doubted you for a second. I know what you are capable of. I created you didn't I? I love you with an unfailing love. I don't know how not to love you.

I know you are tired. Come rest with me. I know you are weak. Come rely on my strength.

My plan is great, but it is truly too much for you alone. Face it, you need me. Don't think for a second you can do this without me. I am God. I made the sun and stars. Humble yourself and you will lack no good thing. I will personally take care of you all the days of your life.

Indulgence is not worth the price of penance. Learn this well, for the world will contradict me. Instant gratification will make you lazy. Hard work will make you strong.

What a God We Have

2010-02-02T17:16:00.003-05:00

To Make One Heart Full
He sent his son who died for me
and loved me enough to set me free.
My savior died a Calvary.
He was raised again;
the sacrifice that bore my sin.

My life in had he did take,
when he died for atonement’s sake.
Spirit from body death did pull;
If only to make one heart full.

That heart was mine,
so now I speak of love divine.
He would have died just for me,
but instead brought hope for all to see.

He washed away the muddy waters of sin
and made it purely fresh again.
From now on, there is no fear.
My God, my Savior, is always near.

I'm Dreaming...

2010-01-31T13:48:00.004-05:00

I would like to introduce my latest writing venture. Charis and I have devoted an entire blog to the crazy things that happen in the hours of sleep.

This blog will attempt to capture the weirdest outbursts of imagination that take place when we close our eyes. We hope to chronicle many interesting and downright funny things.

Personally, I hope to learn more about sculpting an idea into an easily understood, yet quite interesting, story. I hope to stimulate creativity while also just following the random gait of dreams.

Without further ado, welcome to Slumberland. (click the word)

Check it out and tell me what you think!

Hello, It's Been a While Hasn't It?

2010-01-25T21:15:00.005-05:00

Hello my dear, little blog. How are you? You probably think I'm mad at you, that I'm giving you the silent treatment. I'm so sorry I seem to be ignoring you.

Its not that I've been more than unusually busy. I don't really have an excuse for leaving you alone for so long.

Since I've abandoned you for such a vast expanse of time, I'll fill you in on a few of the most important happenings.

I got my braces off! My teeth feel funny, but at least now I can chew gum. I found out I get to wear my retainer (which is zebra striped by the way) 24/7 for the next six months. Yay.

It snowed yesterday. I've been telling my friend, who moved here a few years ago, that snow never accumulates here unless it February. So, of course, It snowed (and accumulated) on January 29th.

I didn't go outside to play in the snow today. I sat by the fire and read. Tomorrow though, after a breakfast of pancakes that used to be a Sunday morning tradition, I'm going outside. Even if I have to go out alone, I'm going.

Right now, my most adventurous plan is to find my way to my bedroom in the dark. Then I plan to fall onto my heavenly mattress and slumber heavily while dreaming interesting dreams.

Goodnight.

A Lesson From Eye Makeup

2010-01-17T12:51:00.002-05:00

Sin is like that glue used in applying fake eyelashes. It's a tacky, gooey mess that inhibits vision. It never really works and it only looks good on other people. It surrounds your eye in a lie. As if anyone really has lashes that fabulously full.

The bitter distress caused by wrongdoing is like crying while wearing mascara. You're already upset, and it is made worse by the fact your face is puffy and red with black streaks running down it. You feel exposed, as if your mask is literally melting off your face. All that you hid behind; pride, jealousy, greed. All that abandons you and leaves you vulnerable.

That's what sin feels like to me. It blinds me as I go through life and causes me to make unwise decisions. It gives me something to hide behind and then fails completely. Sin is a gross, gory mess. It's a wolf in sheep's clothing. It tastes sweet, but causes stomach aches.

Have you ever felt like you were outside of the will of God? It's a terrible feeling. It surrounds you and takes over your thoughts. Until, Like only he can, God quietly calms the mass madness cavorting around in your head with one "Peace, be still."

In that instant, you realize more than ever how terrible sin is. You realize you never want any part of it ever again. You realize God really is the only thing worth living for. And finally, you realize God is waiting for you to be done realizing things so you can grasp his outstretched hand of mercy.

Out With the Old

2010-01-06T22:01:00.002-05:00

It's a sad time for Christmas cheer. Everywhere I look, I see unwanted Christmas trees browning on the side of the road. With their sweet scent goes every scrap of holiday spirit.

Christmas linens and heirloom decorations are all smothered in stuffy boxes until their next opportunity to create a joyful mood.

With holiday meals always come post-holiday diets. Sugar withdrawal causes short tempers and headaches. This I've learned from personal experience.

As everyone receives those unaviodable after Christmas bills, customer service gets less and less hospitable.

Bodies ache from doomed New Years resolutions. Hours in the gym barely make up for hours of feasting. Without instant gratification, most quit by the third day.

What an odd way to start a new year.

Avatar Movie Review

2009-12-30T00:05:00.004-05:00

There’s something about going to a theater to see a movie. Maybe it’s the smell of overpriced popcorn wafting up to you from three rows below. Maybe it’s the occasional annoying light of a cell phone that reminds you what world you are in. maybe it’s the way the audience laughs and cries you one moment and shares your horror and anticipation the next. Maybe (and most likely) it’s the way a group of people come together and focus on one thing for hours at a time. The way they find an odd sort of comradeship as they experience a feast for the senses with their imagination.

One hundred and forty odd years in the future, ex-marine Jake Sully, travels to the far off planet, Pandora, to fill a role not originally intended for him. Through his decision to do so, Jake is introduced to an indigenous humanoid population known as the Na'vi. His unique position as part of an experimental program, in which he is the only non-scientist participant, is a precarious one as he faces the choice to be accepted by the supposedly savage Na'vi or to side with the true savages, the humans.

The constant twists and turns of this movie left me breathless. I allowed myself the excitement of thoroughly enjoying Avatar. The climactic moments made me feel like I was on a roller coaster. Like a gymnast on a balance beam, the events of the movie are evenly distributed and well put together. There is action-oh so much thrilling action-which will keep you on the edge of your seat. I’m pretty sure my friends and I annoyed other movie watchers in our vicinity with our whispered screeches and constant outbursts of, “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Yes!...NO! Are you serious? Aww come on!”

Even the name of the movie, Avatar, (which is a Hindu word meaning incarnation or embodiment) suggests various cultural references. With my unspecialized eye, I caught glimpses of American Indians, African tribesmen, Hindu-like religious ceremony, and even tree huggers. (Don’t get offended, I thoroughly approve of effort, within reason, to preserve the beauty of this God-given earth.)

Now after all this ranting and raving, I must be very fair and honest. I do not, in any shape or form, believe in the existence of a deity like the one portrayed in the movie. But ah, I go too far. I must not give away the story. I am confident in my faith in the one true God and no movie could ever shake that. I am also confident in my ability to separate myself from the entanglements of a good story.

Take a mature approach to this movie. I saw children who could not have been more than four years old in the theater. Of that I do not approve. The movie is rated PG-13 for a reason. A recurring drawback of Avatar is the consistent use of rather strong language. (Did I seriously just say that? It’s cussing. That’s what it’s called.) While it’s not terrible, and even helps maintain the truthfulness of certain characters, be warned it is there. There is one scene of sexual content, but like I said earlier, the movie is for those who are mature enough to handle it.

Avatar was one of the few movies I actually considered worth seeing in theaters. It is a mix of action, agility, friendship, determination, and love woven together to make a great storyline. I highly recommend Avatar, both as a new personal favorite and as an extremely well made movie.

"Us" by Regina Spektor

2009-12-28T19:37:00.008-05:00

Sorry I haven't been posting!

Here's my most recent escapade. My lovely friend Charis was awesome enough to let me be a part of this video. Enjoy!

Em and Me

2009-12-17T17:19:00.004-05:00

Em and Me
Em and me.
We went to the sea.
We loved to breathe the ocean air.
She learned how to eat southern fare.
We floated on waves of swirling foam.
Around the end of the island we roamed.
We found sea creatures of the not-so-deep.
At night we could hardly fall asleep.
We giggled in the morning when Em would not wake up.
Me, I sat in the hot tub with an iced coffee cup.
Ice cream twice in one week.
Vacations are ever so sweet.
I found out there that Em loves turtles.
I then tasted her soy milk and said, “It must be curdled.”
Alas, Em and me could not remain by the sea.
But we would meet again, on this we could agree.
Em and me.

Normal Inverted

2009-12-14T20:45:00.003-05:00

It seems the only thing I can write with ease right now is poetry.

Normal Inverted
If the ceiling was the floor, “come down” would be “get up”.
If we ate on the ceiling, could we still spill on the floor?
Instead of “what’s up?” we would all say “what’s going down?”
If up was down and down was up, would we throw up or throw down?
If the ocean was above the sky, could we watch the whales fly by while the clouds swam below?
What I f I went backwards upside-down, would I really go forward right-side up?
Would riddles make sense and textbooks be jumbled?
Would liars tell the truth or would the truth be a lie?
If those who are humble became arrogant and proud, would those who are proud be arrogantly humbled?
If I was lost in a crowd, would I really stand alone?
If I mailed a letter somewhere else, would it stay right here with me?

God, How Do I Live?

2009-12-02T22:04:00.005-05:00

I seriously debated whether or not to publish this post. I don't want to give an impression that I am in any way pressured by anyone else to feel the way I do. I don't really feel comfortable showing so much of myself, but I made a pledge to be extremely transparent when I started this blog.

Jesus cried out to God when He was uncertain. I do the same. I openly admit my lack of wisdom in many parts of my life. I need help.

So here it is:

I am so scared I will go through life without ever reaching my full potential . I fear looking back and wishing I had given my life fully in service to Christ.

Yet, every time I try to do God's will in big ways, I freeze up. I can't think, I can't breathe, and I can't force myself beyond the barrier that chokes me.

I believe God will take care of me, I know how much He loves me, I can even convince myself to be brave for Him. But when I try to speak out, my throat closes. I talk myself out of doing anything.

I disappoint myself and run to the grace of my Father. He listens and puts me back on track. But then I fall once again and I run to Him. I reach the high and low of life on an almost weekly basis. A constant cycle of if only...

God, I know you're here with me. I know what your word says. I believe in you, why can't I move forward?

On these nights, when I fear for my as yet unlived life, drama adds tension to my ever changing anguish.

I know I have been called for something greater than this, but I can't touch it. I don't know how to cope with this. I'm obviously missing something. God, what do I do?

Live to Write. Write to Live.

2009-11-26T18:44:00.008-05:00

There are times when I must write to live, but I must always live in order to write.

I'm am living now, inhaling the aromas of fall, seeing the beauty in dead leaves, and preparing my heart for God's plan.

I have always had a pattern with my writing. I tend to do a lot of living, to spend a lot of time surrounding myself with life. After a while though, I recede into my secret place to muse, ponder, and write. In these times I pour out what has filled me up. I cannot rest without spilling my heart on the pages.

It often takes me a while to realize when the well has run dry. I am always reluctant to step out of my haven and into the world again.

Forgive me if I am a little detached. I am enjoying living again. No doubt, I will return with much to say. For right now, though, I will focus on the pattern of wholesome teaching I am learning- A pattern shaped by the faith and love I have in Jesus Christ. (2 Timothy 1:13)

I doubt this blog will reach a complete moratorium (You have no idea how long it's taken me to work that word into a blog post.), but I will probably post less frequently for a while.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving. I hope it leaves you with heart and stomach full.

God's Reality

2009-11-23T22:32:00.003-05:00

If something isn't working, obviously something needs to change.

I've been in a sort of funk where I didn't realize I need a change. I've been just going along with life within a kind of hazy surreality.

I haven't known want to think or feel, yet I didn't object to it. I simply went along with it. I guess I thought it was normal to feel like life is a waking dream of constancy.

I've been asking, begging God for answers to different aspects of my life. Instead, he has given me new thoughts to think. He has challenged me to cement into my mind what I truly believe.

I don't know where my life is going. I don't even know what time I'm going to wake up in the morning. I do know God is calling me to a new life, a life where my passion for him is as vivid as a summer sunset over the ocean.

I am excited! I know the truth has set me free. I've recently been challenged to really meditate on what God's word says. When faced with the religious side of Christianity, a side that is about 95% in line with what I believe, I have been thrilled to find that I know what God's word says about the situation.

I could ramble on about religion. How, unless it's followed with a sincere heart and is in line with the word of God, It's merely a man made barrier separating me from God. But I really don't care. I'm just glad to feel alive again.

It seems like I must constantly ride this roller coaster of life; like it will never be easier and I must be wise and follow the right path. How can I fail, though? The Creator of the universe has made me His child. He will help me remain focused on the goal.

Philippians 3:12
I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

Strangely Unexpected Comfort

2009-11-17T21:04:00.008-05:00

Recently, I have noticed a few things that seem to be like comfort food to me. They are simple yet they impact my soul. These are a few of my favorite things...

The first thing I did on Monday morning, after the ban on secular music was lifted, was thank God (I seriously did) and grab my Ipod.

As I scrolled down the artist category, I didn't search for the new Paramore CD, I didn't venture toward my recent favorite, "Ghost of me", by Daughtry, I didn't even hunt for Owl City, which seems to be all the rage recently. I longed for long forgotten comfort. I grew excited as the alphabetically organized artists scrolled by. O...P...Q...R! there it is, Rascal Flatts.

I listened and found comfort. As though from a far off dream, I entered once again into the awkwardness of my preteen years. I remembered some of the best times, the hours spent lost in my love of country music.

Many times, I can't relate to the songs I hear. But Rascal Flatts has always held a special charm for me. Their songs make me feel like I have experienced parts of life that may never come across my path. Yet, they are relatable because they, as people, are so real.

My mom got a new haircut. It's smart, sophisticated, and just fits her personality. It reminds me of my childhood though. When I was little, mom had a "mommy hairdo" which was short, easy, and quick. I haven't seen her have short hair in about four years so it's a refreshing little piece happiness to have around.

As the Christmas season is fast approaching(How can that be?), I love the wintry tunes playing on the radio. I have always loved the warm feeling of familiar music while sitting next to a fire. Because it hasn't been cold enough, I haven't been able to roast next to a fire this year, but I look forward to it!

I love photoshoots with my friend, Charis. It always takes me back to a time when high school seemed far away and college was virtually nonexistent. I see how much I change every time we work together on a shoot, but it is a comfort that seems protected from the ages of time. In that momement, when the picture is captured, I am simply me. And, in that moment, just me will remain.

I can daily feel the mounting pressure of growing up, it's scary and I always feel like I'm not ready. Yet God, who knows all, sees all, and planned it all out before I was born, keeps giving me these tidbits of old, familiar comfort. Like a glimpse of who I was, they transport me to a place where I am young and God is in control, but they do more than that, they show me how far I've come instead of how far I have to go.

Deuteronomy 4:39
“So remember this and keep it firmly in mind: The Lord is God both in heaven and on earth, and there is no other.

Summary (kinda) - week two

2009-11-15T22:07:00.004-05:00

I should probably write up some big, long post about the trials and benefits of The Great Experiment. I really should write a detailed explanation of how much (and what) I actually learned. I should be bursting with excitement about about the great things God has taught me over the past two weeks.

I am thrilled, but I don't feel as if now is the time to spill my guts about every single creative concept I have experienced. God's word pretty much sums up how I feel right now:

Psalm 51:10 NIV
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Ezekiel 2:2 MSG
The moment I heard the voice, the Spirit entered me and put me on my feet. As he spoke to me, I listened.

Psalm 138:3 MSG
When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.

Isaiah 6:8 NIV
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

2 Timothy 1:5 MSG
God doesn't want us to be shy with his gifts, but bold and loving and sensible.

Irked like a wet cat

2009-11-11T22:18:00.004-05:00

O Lord, hear my cry! I am weak again. I am frustrated and overloaded. I don't know what to do, but I seek your guidance.

God, I feel like I am bailing water out of a leaking boat. Every time I take something out, it fills back up again until I am drowning in a maelstrom current. Don't let me be lost at sea!

I see your glorious works all the time and yet the littlest things throw me off balance. Restore the order to my mismatched socks kind of life.

I am shrouded by a thought that makes me believe I am running to you. I find after a marathon it was only a cruel hoax. God I would like to believe I come straight to you every time, but I'm not sure. Give me clarity.

Finding relevance in the average jumble.

2009-11-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

It seems to me that I tend to post only deep and insightful things on my blog. I have come to expect it of myself. I pursue relevance with in my writing and I have a certain standard from which I am loathe to deviate.

However, this blog is for teenagers. I know from personal and current experience that teens, though prone to moodiness, are still lighthearted. I don't want to portray a picture of a girl who does nothing but think. Neither do I want some gossip blog where I just change the names of those I don't wish to hurt.

I want to share my life's stories in such a way as to shed God's light on them. I long for all the funny, sad, ridiculous, and important things to be shared in a way that proves a point and yet remains fully intact as a just plain readable story.

How do I find relevance in a jumbled, teenage life?

What are some ways I could make my blog more teen friendly?

Summary- week one

2009-11-10T15:27:00.000-05:00

Its funny how easy it is to subconsciously bend the rules we set. Because our minds are naturally creative, we tend to learn, adapt, and survive. No matter what the issue in life, human nature is determined to either rebel against or conquer the situation. This is yet another glorious attribute to our Heavenly Father. Only one so great as He could've given us the ability to think freely and make our own decisions even though He obviously knows the best path to take.

When I wrote the rules for The Great Experiment, I was extremely tired and I didn't spend enough time going into specifics. As a result, I have constantly had to evaluate which choices are the right ones.

Some aspects have actually been rather easy. Doing without Facebook hasn't been the loathsome task I thought it would be. It's been slightly difficult, but simply by saying "no" to myself, I have found it a light burden.

Others things, however, have been difficult. Youtube and television seem to be staple items in my life. Every time I walk into a room with a TV, I feel compelled to stop and watch "for just a few seconds,".Thus far, I have done well with resisting the urge.

The days, though uniquely different, seem to run together in a constant stream of life. This experiment is accepted as normal now. It was but a rock in the stream.

Any other teens I have told about this experiment, have immediately gone off on a monologue of how horrible it must be. Perhaps they are even more reliant on technology than I.

On a lighter note, Even though I have written It four times so far in this post, I still cannot correctly spell experiment (of course I did it right that time.) on a consistent basis. Hopefully I'll get it right eventually. Experiment E-X-P-E-R-I-M-E-N-T experiment...

Wake up and survive

2009-11-07T19:03:00.001-05:00

This weekend I went to a to a youth function at my friend's church. It was a spin off of Survivor.

After getting lost and and arriving late, my friend and I were immediately thrown straight into the chaos of our first challenge. This challenge revealed to us that the teams would be girls against guys. That first bit is just a blur of motion for me but I remember what happened next.

After winning our first challenge due to the fact that the guys failed to follow the directions in the first clue, (This was the only challenge we actually won...)we were told, "This isn't a middle school dance." and encouraged to mingle and get to know one another at the campfire.

It was nice. I remember seeing teens laughing and joking as they roasted marshmallows and hot dogs over the toasty fire. I was there, laughing and joking with the rest of them. As with most campfires that are on a campground, there were pew-like rows of benches and a cross just behind the fire. That cross seemed so much more real than all the others I've seen. The whole time I stood there I felt watched over by a God who has already called the young people of today to great and mighty works through Him.

After a about an hour, we settled down to sing hymns to the music of a single guitar. It was so sweet just being there before God and hearing the voices of those who love Him lifted up in song. I looked up at the stars, burning through space with enough heat to wreak havoc had they not been so perfectly placed. Here where I saw them, they were friendly flickers in the night who blinked back at me with rapid glimmers.

Since we got to sleep in a heated gym, my friend and I joked that this "survivor" was more like "Wake up and survive" because we didn't have to rough it outside.

The next day was full of many challenges. Not all of them were part of the game. By the time we reached our last challenge, I was tired and I wanted to go home. Something about that last challenge changed my perception of the whole day. The challenge was just downright FUN. I wont explain it all, but it involved carrying eggs through a slip and slide, mud pit, and zip line. It ended with having to open and walk through a door set up in the middle of a field.

Once the challenge was over, we all gathered as close as we dared to the giant bonfire. One of the many youth pastors present stepped up to preach a final message before went home. Basically, He spoke about how Jesus is the key to all the good things of God; That He is the way through the "door" of God's kingdom. Along with a not-so-subtle message about being the body of Christ and working together.

The ash from the bonfire drifted down on me like warm snowflakes. The sun glowed orange just above the bronze and yellow treetops. Sitting in a pasture, looking at the sky as it turned a dusky shade of blue, I loved The creation that surrounded me. It was cold, yes, but God was so there. I love realizing again and again how awesome my Creator is.

After I got home, I threw my stuff wherever it fit in my room. I noticed my bible landed exactly in the middle of my bed, so I picked it up and read:

Revelation 4:1 MSG
Then I looked, and, oh!—a door open into Heaven. The trumpet-voice, the first voice in my vision, called out, "Ascend and enter. I'll show you what happens next."

God is so magnificent.

Look for a summary of the first week of The Great Experiment in my next post.

How do you title a prayer?

2009-11-05T14:59:00.005-05:00

Father God, I am tired. All I want to do is get on Facebook and be lazy. I want to reach for that cookie and enjoy its gooeyness. I want to sit and stare at the TV and ignore the homework that calls out to me.

This experiment is hard. It started out easy, but then I had a few very long days and now I just want to keel over in a recliner. I don't want to say no to lethargy. I don't know how to be peppy and energetic. I can't find any worldly thing to be excited about.

On the bright side, I think about you constantly. The moment I awake, I thank you for the day. I spend hours in grateful reflection (Psalm 63:5 MSG), I spend with you those dear moments when the day is coming alive, I feel the warmth of your presence. All day I look to you for the strength to keep going. I cannot stand alone in this world, so I lean on you completely and you carry me through.

Were it not for you I would be lost. God, come find me. I know you never leave, but a sheep may stray away from the shepherd. I don't want to take advantage of your grace; to do what I will because you will always forgive me. I want you to breathe life into your promises.

Objectives

2009-11-02T21:28:00.000-05:00

I'd say I've done pretty well today. I've only accidentally almost logged in to Facebook about seven times. Pretty good, huh?

Yesterday, I was doing a photo shoot with my friend Charis, when I had this flash of artsy inspiration. It had nothing to do with The photo shoot itself, but with the camera. As I stared at that big scary piece of technology, (Charis, I know you're laughing and mentally correcting my terminology.) I watched her focus the lens. Right then and there I thought, Wow, I've been focusing on the wrong part of my life. I'll just refocus the lens.

So here is me refocusing. this is what I want to accomplish between now and that far off Monday when I am through being a guinea pig.

Objectives:

-Spend ample time studying the Word of God. You can't go wrong with that. I want to find verses to stand on concerning some parts of my life.

-Learn how to have fun without technology. I'm sure in some far off land and time I used to have fun without staring at a screen. Tonight I played board games with my mom. Of course, we played only word games like Scrabble and Quiddler. I hope to come up with some more diverse and unique ways to have fun as the days go by.

-Choose which TV shows to continue watching after the two weeks are up. I have a lot of favorites: NCIS, Parks and Recreation, The Office, Fringe, Glee, 24, and a few others I can't think of right now. My plan is to choose about half of them so I wont be constantly watching TV.

Mostly, I just want to come out of this with a new thought process concerning life. I want to take steps now to reach the dreams God has put in my heart. I don't want some complacent everyday-the-same life. I want to break free from the fog surrounding my mind and just breathe life.

The Great Experiment

2009-11-01T18:28:00.011-05:00

I've had this on my heart for a while and I've finally decided to act. Before I go any further, let me just say this is not an original idea. I actually heard of it in the book The Prayer of Jabez for Teens.

Recently, stuff has been completely overwhelming. A swirling mayhem of thoughts not my own. All the voices: TV, texting, Ipod, Facebook, Youtube, and video chat, (just to name a few) are disbanding my once loyal and well ordered thoughts. It's risen to a ridiculous level on my priority list. I can be doing the most random thing and I'll remember something out of the latest episode.

Right now I'm not feeling up to some big, long explanation of why I'm doing this. To be honest I really don't even want to, but I can feel God's hand on the situation and I know He has something great in mind. So here it is.

For two weeks I will not:

-Get on Facebook. This will be hard, but I've done it before. I'm not really looking forward to the plethora of notifications I'll have at the end of these next fourteen days.

-Watch any of my normal TV shows. I actually have a working plan for dealing with my overabundance of favorite shows. (See Objectives in my next post) this means I cannot watch any TV after Seven PM. I never really watch TV before that time anyway, so I'll basically be avoiding the living room. Also, no movies unless they're school related.

-Text except for school related topics. I will not involve myself in the idle chatter of long, trivial conversations. If I want to talk, I must *Gasp!* pick up the phone and call the person. Which brings me to my next stipulation.

- Talk on the phone for long sessions of gossip and drama. I can video chat with my friends, but not for extended melodramatic conversations.

-Watch pointless videos on Youtube. I love Youtube. A lot. But it is distracting and I need a break.

-Listen to anything but Christian or classical music. I'm not saying I'll cover my ears and run screaming from any store that plays a secular song, but I do believe in the immense power of repetitive lyrics. Trust me, If you listen to it enough times, you'll start to believe it. At home, I will make an effort to fill my mind with good things, Godly things.

-Read anything But my bible, School related books, Christian books, and/or Christian biographies. Bye bye, Star Wars novels, our parting is bittersweet, but you really are an aimless pastime.

-Eat sweets. I consider sweets as that which is eaten after a meal and is full of sugar. So basically, no cookies, cake, brownies, ect... I can tell that what I eat greatly affects my mood, so I'll try to eat more wholesome foods.

Concerning email, I wont lay any ground rules because all of my emails are school or blog related anyway.

God is not a list of rules, but I can feel the need to step back and breathe.

I will go over what I plan to accomplish in my next post. For now, pray like crazy God will give me the strength to be faithful and reap the reward it brings.

I consider all this a sacrifice, a pleasing aroma to God. He sent His Son to pay the ultimate price, so I know I am forgiven. Looking back over the past few months, however, I can't really find anything I've actually done for God. I'm not trying to earn God's favor. That's not possible. He earned it for me when he sent Jesus, but seriously, why shouldn't I serve the One who gave His life for mine?

Time well spent

2009-10-29T18:31:00.005-04:00

Father God I come before you with gladness. Not only because of this great day you have blessed me with, but with the pure joy that accompanies the knowledge of your infinite grace.

Yesterday I realized I haven't been giving you much time. Saying a quick prayer in the morning and evening is not enough to satisfy my hunger for your love. Those quick prayers should only supplement time spent in your presence. How quickly I forget that you,who stretched out the heavens, laid the foundations of the earth, and formed the human spirit (Zechariah 12:1), have called me worthy to enter your throne room. So I set aside this time for you. More than a few minutes here and there, I now choose to simply love you with my words. You gave me this gift, I will use it to uplift your righteousness.

Thank you for my wonderful friends. They never cease to make me laugh. I am so encouraged by being around people who have your joy. And when I need to talk things out, you have given me friends that can listen and then speak your words over the situation. I adore praising you with them around. It brings companionship to a whole new level to love the same extraordinary God.

Help me to simply let go when everything being said is annoying me. Set me free from feeling like a wet cat when something irks me. When fingernails are on the chalkboard, please give me grace. Voices swirl around me, a constant stream of unfinished thoughts, and I can't hear you. Please show me what to set aside so I can always feel your presence.

Bless my family. Bless my church. Encourage my friends and be with them constantly. Do great things through ordinary people, so others will look and say, "Only God could have done that." Show me the hope left in this world. Let me see things through the clear focus of your reality.

Are you kidding me? I'm just a freshman!

2009-10-25T20:03:00.003-04:00

I recently took a trip to Georgia so my brother could tour Berry college.

The campus was gorgeous. The people were friendly. The food was delicious. Serenity was in the air. Tame deer frolicked and grazed in the wide open fields of the valley. A mountain rose in the distance like a towering watchman. Bicycles were the locomotion of choice. Rain boots and umbrellas warded off the gentle drizzle of warm rain. Rumor has it the young college girls book the beautiful stone chapel before they even have a groom because of the two year waiting list.

It could all me mine O mine for a mere 32,000 dollars a year. (Not counting how much tuition might go up by the time I've graduated high school.) There are so many scholarships choices. Plus financial aid will probably help out a bit. This scholarship requires this SAT score and that scholarship is based on public service. The options are endless. Of course, I placed myself in my brother's shoes. They were really telling all of this to him.

After I got home, I pretty much just went on with life for a few days. I didn't really worry about any of what I'd heard because it was all so far off. But then I went to a meeting with my brother's college counselor. The meeting was mostly for my brother, but she was very interested in the fact that I'm a freshman. She told me of all the scholarships I can win for doing this or writing that essay. She seemed to have my next four years planned out for me, but I just want to survive my first year of high school.

I was actually quite excited about all the things I can do to ease the burden of tuition. But, after a hours thinking about ALL of it, tension started to build. How am I supposed to do that? I hate talking on the phone and I can't even drive yet. I just want to get a job, not run a nonprofit organization. There is no way I can handle this!
Ignorance is bliss. I hadn't known about any of it until that day, and I didn't even care.

A few minutes later, the most wonderful thought occurred to me. God is in control. I can put it in his hands and he'll take care of it. That peace from before I knew all the things I NEED to know for college returned. Three bible verses came to the surface of my thoughts.

Romans 12:2
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Isaiah 55:8
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.

Isaiah 8:11
The Lord has given me a strong warning not to think like everyone else does.

While the world may say that My SAT or ACT score is vital to my college acceptance, I trust God to do his very best for me. That doesn't mean I wont study or try, but I wont worry because my God has told me to think his thoughts. While I will try to win scholarships, I will be very careful to put whatever I do in the Lord's hands. I will ask him to do great and marvelous things through me so that his glory may shine bright in my life.

A musical pizza scare

2009-10-19T17:20:00.010-04:00

This past weekend,I vividly remember only three things:

I rediscovered why I have trouble shopping in stores like Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, and American Eagle. I can't stand the music! It's so loud and stressful it just makes me want to get out as quickly as I can. It's like it obstructs brain function so you'll just buy something, even if you don't actually want it.

I called my dad because I needed him to start the dough for the pizza I was going to make. I gave him step by step instructions and hoped for the best. when I arrived home, however, I found what can only be described as pizza soup. It was squishy, goo-like, and way too sticky to be considered for a dinner entree. After some investigation, it was discovered the dough had twice as much water as it needed. My dad felt really bad about it, but I thought it was hilarious. We ate ordered pizza that night. Thanks for trying Daddy!

I played flashlight tag at my friend's youth group. Basically, it was outdoor hide and seek. The only rule was we had to stay on church property. Being the Achluophobes that we are, my friend and I didn't hide very well because all the good hiding places were in the dark. Once we were found (it didn't take long), we helped look for the other people who were still hiding. For some odd reason, we chose to separate from the main group and try to catch the two remaining hiders by ourselves. Of course since we were alone, we didn't have a flashlight. For about ten minutes we searched without success. All the while telling whoever might be listening, "Please do NOT jump out and scare us. We are terrified of the dark and don't find horror very amusing." Finally, my friend thought she saw something moving behind a tree and we cautiously headed for it. Just as we were starting to think it might be safe, the two hiders jumped out and yelled right in our faces as loud as they could. Our screeching was louder than theirs. Never in my life have I been so terrified.

After we realized who it was, they took off running with us in hot pursuit. I'd like to be able to say my friend and I caught them and enacted sweet revenge, but in reality we were so winded by the time we caught up with them all we could do was glare. Being the spastic twins that we are, it took us over thirty minutes to reach an almost normal level of calm.

Redefining "Normal"

2009-10-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

Here is an IM chat I had with my friend Charis. It really got me thinking about what "normal" really is.

8:26pmBre
there's a reason why highschool takes 4 years

8:27pmCharis
I just have anatomy, literature, history, geometry/trig, biology CLEP, and then essays

8:27pmBre
yeah

8:27pmCharis
So it's pretty much a normal load
but there's just A TON of homework for each

8:28pmBre
I personally think normal needs to be redefined

8:28pmCharis
Has normal even been defined?
THERE'S ANOTHER IDEA
for another thingy
defining normal

8:28pmBre
Haha a very good idea
write that down

8:28pmCharis
Why do we have to conform to normal when no one even knows what normal is?
I mean
people give us weird looks all the time for not being "normal"
BUT
they don't even know what normal IS
it's just what they think is pleasing
which is selfish
SHELLFISH I SAY!

8:29pmBre
haha

8:29pmCharis
end rant.

8:29pmBre
haha
well honestly
its very true

8:30pmCharis
No one really knows what normal or weird is
so why are the two words even in the dictionary?
for all we know

8:31pmBre
I have no idea

8:31pmCharis
weird COULD VERY WELL BE normal

8:31pmBre
Probably because someone wanted to feel better about themselves
haha

8:31pmCharis
so they wanted to be a stinkin robot copy of everyone else?
okay
if everyone else is trying to be like everyone else
who started it?
who were we really trying to be like?

8:32pmBre
very wise questions

8:32pmCharis
ouch. brain hurting.

8:32pmBre
I don't have wise answers

8:32pmCharis
EXACTLY
NO ONE DOES
not even the wise one
aka

8:32pmBre
but its definitely worth asking

8:32pmCharis
me
hehe

A completely normal day of unexpected escapades

2009-10-16T09:35:00.007-04:00

I had a nightmare. I woke up on co-op day and the hairdryer was dead. Not just the "Oh, well I'll go reset it and it'll be fine." kind of broken, but the "It made a weird, whirring sound and shot a miscellaneous piece of metal at me. Then it started blowing smoke and smelling like burnt hair."

I woke up in a cold sweat. The nightmare had become cold reality. My friend had spent the night and we both bemoaned the demise of my poor little dryer with many tears of angst. After a tearful farewell, we laid it to rest in the trashcan and stuck out our chins in preparation for a humiliating hair day.

I don't know what possessed me, (I'm guessing it was the breakfast of soy and flax waffles with healthy peanut butter) but when I arrived at co-op I was extremely hyper. Mr remedy? Kick off my Rocket Dogs and skip down the hallway wearing my awesome bright green, penguins ice-skating socks while singing "we're off to see the wizard". It's not weird if your friend does it with you, right? Considering my co-op meets in a church, maybe that wasn't my wisest escapade.

By third period, I was wondering if anyone else was feeling those tremors in the earth's crust that seemed to be emanating from my stomach. The seconds ticked by like a professional procrastinator. When that fateful bell finally rang, I made a beeline for the lunch room. Wouldn't you know it? They were having a bake sale. Me being the health nut that I am, I wolfed three cookies before my brain could react. My conscience never even saw it coming. I then proceeded to trade my brownie for a half eaten bowl of Ramen noodles. (I made sure the person I traded brushed his teeth that morning) I did this, of course, because the "vegetables" floating in the noodles would balance out the sugar rush I was getting.

After an eventful biology lab where we studied moldy food in great detail, I really began to regret those cookies. When class was over, I headed outside to put my backpack in the car and managed to get the bottom six inches of my too-long jeans soaked. It's funny how those puddles manage to materialize right where my feet happen to be.

There are two things I generally do when I get home from co-op. I only ever do one per week, though. I either get a marvelous head start on my homework or I do absolutely nothing useful for the rest of the day. I chose the latter. I spent hours on Facebook while simultaneously being logged in to Blogger just waiting for a comment that needed to be moderated. I finished reading my Stars Wars book , yes I'm so much of a Star Wars geek I even read the books, and then I listened to "Fireflies" by Owl City.

Later, I watched The Office, but then wished I had watched Fringe instead. As I brushed my teeth, I had phenomenal idea for a poem. (It always seems like inspiration comes at the most inopportune times.) I went into my room and discovered that darn popcorn bowl was exactly where I had left it. Despite the fact that I had gone in there many times with the specific purpose of removing it to the kitchen.

Finally, I crawled into bed and finished my night with bible study. I then passed out under the covers and ignored my alarm this morning.

Cold hard poetry

2009-10-15T00:00:00.004-04:00

I chipped these out of the ice for you. These two poems are the product of a cold day in the life of a girl who loves equatorial weather. In no way do they reflect my emotional state of being. All they prove is the windows should not be left open in mid October. My only reference to myself is the mention of my small, cold-numbed fingers in Icebound, which do tend to shock people.

Cold.
An ice storm of the heart.
Snow. Falling, melting on the pages.
Blurring all the words.
Goose bumps like needles.
Frozen is the inside.
Icicles falling, sharp like pain.
After that, numbness, cold slowness.
Body shutting down, stopping just short.
Warmth in the distance.
Mind thinking yet unfeeling.
Not a care where care should be taken.
Deaf to all, as if in awe.
Frozen pipes in the heart, blood turning blue.
Nothing, just nothing.
Only. . .
Cold.

Icebound
I get cold when I’m alone.
My heart freezes like the arctic depths.
My soul cringes at the touch of my own hand.
I am so cold.

I have to face the world this way,
Scaring all who touch my cold-numbed fingers.
My frozen touch is like a wintry death.
My own death, not theirs,
Every time they look with disgust in my isolated, Siberian eyes.

I walk through the world, a living patch of ice.
I make them slip and they hate me more.
Think you I asked for such fate as this?
I am icebound in this polar body.
I am so cold.

I am hardest to love, I need it the most.
Reach beyond my cold exterior,
Locate the warmth I hope exists inside.
Don’t scorch me with a flame thinking to thaw me out.
For I'll only melt and be no more.

I can but imagine what your heat must feel like.
I have never known.
I am entranced like a witch's spell by what warmth might be.
I am so cold.

A tribute

2009-10-13T17:36:00.007-04:00

Today a friend of my parents passed away. She was such a sweet lady. I never knew her well, but I liked her a lot. She was so full of grace and poise. I remember how much she loved praise and worship, how she would raise her hands with such a sweet, peaceful look on her face.

As soon as my mom told me she had passed, I remembered last night, and the night before, and the many other nights I prayed for her healing. I had prayed it so long I really did believe it. Almost immediately, I could hear the devil whispering, "See where your faith has gotten you? Now you look stupid because you refused to see the reality of the situation. Isn't your faith shaken?"

I cut short his lies very quickly. My faith is not shaken. I still believe God is good and able to heal.

I kept thinking about death in general and I began to realize something. I have no memories of death (except for various pets) when I was a little child. Perhaps, the saying is true, maybe death really is kind to the young. Is it possible we all reach a point in our lives where death starts to affect us? Or is it there all along, but it takes years for our hearts to realize it? Is it different as we get older? Do teens grieve differently than the old and wise?

All those pent up thoughts ran wild in my mind. I had held them at bay for months, but today they were set free.

My mind drifted back to early this summer, when a very dear person was lost to me. She was like a grandma to me and I loved her like one. She always introduced me to people as one of her granddaughters even though we were not biologically related. Everyone affectionately called her Mama Joann. I have so many memories of her,
like the time she came up to me during the annual tent meeting hosted by our church and pinned a little name tag on me. It had my name and underneath it, it said "Hospitality". It touched me that even then, during the busiest week of the church year, she took the time out of her busy schedule to make sure I got a little printed name tag just like all the adult workers. I still have that name tag.

Another time, we were talking about me being left handed and she laughingly told my mom, "She gets that from my side of the family."

And then when she got cancer, her attitude never changed. She was still the sweetest lady I knew. She was still so in love with Jesus.

I will always wonder why I never asked her for the secret to making her lemon pound cake so pretty. It's a question that must go unanswered I guess.

When she died, it caught me extremely off guard. I had come to think of her as healed, and so quickly she was gone. I was at my youth group when I found out. I can honestly rank that evening as one of the worst nights of my life. I was determined not to cry. I'm still not exactly sure why. I mean, surrounded by my friends it wouldn't have mattered. But in that moment, it did. I kept telling myself, "Be strong. You can cry at the funeral. You can be weak then." After that it just got worse. My mom came to pick me up and I had the task of telling her. It was awful. I had partially recovered from the initial shock, but my voice was gone in an instant when I tried to tell my mom.

The next day we went to help out the family in any way we could. We cleaned her house, we went through old photos, we helped with the wording of the obituary. The whole thing was sort of surreal. I kept feeling like we were throwing a surprise party for her because her entire family was there.In her sunflower-filled house, her favorite flower, I kept feeling like she would walk in at any moment.

I hate grief. I tried hard to avoid having to go to the wake. I was lying on my bed crying when my mom came and talked to me. She told me she had never seen Mama Joann cry at a funeral. She was the lady who organized all those events, even for people she knew and loved, but she never cried. She was strong for the grieving ones.

When I went to the wake, Mama Joann's husband (we all call him Papa Jerry) told me what a comfort it was to see my smiling face in the midst of all the things going on. I was embarrassed, but I gave him a huge smile to comfort him. I was so glad I went that night.

My mom was asked to say a few words at the funeral. She doesn't like public speaking, but she has done it on many occasions, very well I might add. She was very nervous, but I held her hand until she went up to speak. I didn't cry at the funeral. I had said I would allow myself, that I would be weak and helpless, but there were people who needed to see me smiling.

We all lose loved ones. It hurts every time, so keep the families of Anne Winters and Joann Dixon in your prayers. They were two great women who loved God with all their hearts. They are at peace now.

Breaking News: Scientists discover link between joy and laughter.

2009-10-10T20:20:00.007-04:00

Well, in my last post I talked about choosing to be happy.

As soon as I posted it, I went to brush my hair and discovered a knot the size of Texas. While trying to remove said knot, my clumsy fingers decided to hit me in the forehead with my brush. Hard.

Not long after that, my dad called and said he had read my latest post. He repeatedly asked me if I wanted to stop homeschooling and go to school. I repeatedly said no.

A few minutes later, my mom came in to talk to me. We didn't argue. We didn't agree. I have trouble expressing myself by just talking. Writing makes so much more sense.

I spent the rest of the day thinking deeply. Those thoughts made me grumpy.

I could barely eat dinner because my mouth was hurting from getting my braces tightened a few days ago. My mom pointed out that inadequate nutrition makes people moody. In my minds eye, I saw all the mac and cheese, lean pockets, and apple sauce I'd been eating. I also saw the complete lack of vegetables and protein.

I managed to swallow a few bites of pork chop.

That evening, I gave up on all the deep dark thoughts and watched TV with my family.

This morning, I woke up and got in a pretty intense battle with the shower head. It was determined to drown me. After a quick battle between water and oxygen in my nose, I emerged victorious, If somewhat waterlogged.

Honestly, yesterday was not an awesome day for me, but looking back on it today has been pretty hilarious. I keep laughing about all the things that seemed so important yesterday. How silly to write a blog about choosing to be happy and then refusing to laugh off all the little things that go wrong.

It just comes naturally to make a list of everything that goes wrong and then try to place the blame on everyone else. What if we spent our time thinking about everything that went right? How much anger could be avoided by refusing to let not-so-great moments be on instant replay in our heads?

Emotionally contagious

2009-10-09T09:12:00.005-04:00

Recently I've been slightly behind on school. I've been extremely focused on just getting it done, slogging through my days of school as if they were manual labor. By then end of the day, all I want is the comfort of sitting still and staring at my TV screen, or my Facebook, or anything where I don't have to think.

It took until today, when I read the autumn thankful list over at Sum of our moments, for me to realize I'd stopped trying to live. It's so hard to stay on the right path when you don't even realize you've left it.

I'm a very social person. I mean, I LOVE to be around people almost all the time. The downfall of this is I get moody when I am alone for too long. This must have happened to me without my knowing because it seemed like yesterday, when I saw all my friends at my homeschool co-op, they could tell I was upset. I didn't even know I was upset! But it affected them just the same.

So, when I read Emily's autumn thankful list, I realized joy is contagious, but so is almost every other emotion. Today I choose to be happy. I choose to live, not drag myself into a pit of homework only to realize people are what truly matter. Because, people are very important, and it's selfish to only think about how something makes me feel when it actually affects a lot of others. And so, I let love be my highest goal. (1st Cor 14:1)

So far this semester...

2009-10-07T00:00:00.001-04:00

I realize the semester is already a month old, but compared to the four years ahead of me I don’t think it really matters. So far I’ve worked on school, spent countless hours doing school, oh yeah, and I did some school. I’m starting to understand what my brother meant when he said, “just wait until you hit high school.”

Here are some of the highlights of the past month. If you can actually consider them highlights:

-My bible studies are very amusing right now. I’ve been reading those books at the end of the Old Testament that nobody ever reads. You know, those pages between Isaiah and Matthew full of names no one can pronounce.

-I’ve discovered just how boring math can be. My math curriculum has an accompanying DVD for every lesson. These lessons are so monotonous I can’t sit still through them. My remedy for this is to lift light weights while I watch. It is really quite astonishing what ten minutes a day can do for your arms.

-I’ve almost mastered the art of reading four books at once. Not simultaneously of course, but between literature, history, writing aspirations, and pleasure reading it all adds up.

-I’m reading Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. Visit their blog here. The part of the book I’m currently reading talks about taking a stand, and taking it now.

-I keep finding myself drawn toward learning new languages. I’m building on my French from last year and also taking a Latin class. Next year I plan to take Spanish, but I really want to keep on learning French as well. I also think it would be really cool to learn Italian.

-I have a new favorite tea. When school seems a daunting task, I just sit down steaming brew in hand, and start working. Usually, about six cups of mandarin orange spice later I am mostly done.

-sports. I really love to play softball, but this year it didn’t work out. Thus, I limit myself to extreme volleyball with my youth group. This entails a ridiculous amount of screaming and confusion that usually ends with my getting “accidentally” hit in the head. My friends call me paranoid, but I know they’re out to get me. The just wait for me to lose concentration and then WHAM!

-Joining the KEY Club sponsored by my homeschool support group had been an interesting experience so far. I haven’t quite figured out why the meetings are always so awkward for me. It’s not like I’m around people I don’t know, I’ve actually known most of the people in the club for a long time. I just feel like a typical antisocial homeschooler whenever I’m at the meetings.

First things are usually at the beginning.

2009-10-05T21:13:00.003-04:00

For some reason, firsts are always scary. The first time you rode a bike without training wheels, you probably thought you were going to die. After a few shaky minutes though, you felt like taking flight. The first time you were in a school play, dread made you feel like you would always be a nervous wreck. But, when you went out to take a bow, I'm sure you had never felt so elated. Your first speech, you know, the one where you looked at the page and read it word for word so you wouldn't have to make eye contact, was probably scary enough to make you try to fake a sudden illness. When the polite applause started over the pounding in your ears, you began to feel like maybe life really was worth living.

I have still have many firsts ahead of me. Driving, my first real job,and most of high school, just to name a few. Blogging is just another first, but its still kinda scary. I mean, I'm putting myself out there for the world to see. And so, here is my first blog post. I'm sitting here in my couchless living room, (we sold it, but that's another story.) in my own home and I still feel jittery excited about this new thing.