Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Not As Easy As It Looks, Is It?

One day you’ll live completely sold out for God. Everything you do will revolve around his mercy and love. Everyone you meet will know by the shining joy you have, even in the hard times, that you are a child of the Living God.

That is an excerpt from my last blog post. It summarizes what I hope my future will be. I have many expectations and my future always looks different when I'm looking at it from a distance.

I tend to forget that the future can only come one day at a time. I try to remember that I must maintain the enthusiasm I feel when I take a break from my real life. It always seems very plausible when I'm not actually living my everyday, ordinary life.

Texas was amazing. I have never felt so close to God nor have a ever seen so many young people who long to serve their Heavenly Father to the best of their abilities. We were (are) a team and we functioned like a team. I was surrounded with love and I couldn't help but share it. It was an overall healthy environment. And these were people I had never met. I got a clear picture of how the body of Christ should be.

But when I came home to where the love is no less real, but much more familiar, I felt the urge to slip back into the old patterns of "I can handle this part, God.". I lost my edge and slipped into the same routine. Find something to complain about, eat breakfast, wish the workout would magically happen without effort, try and fail to stay enthusiastic about cleaning the dishes.

I'm human. I'm learning to let God lead, but I make mistakes. I slip up. I wander a little off the path. I wish I could always be cheerful and glad, but sometimes I just don't feel it. My life is good, but my heart is not satisfied with good; it longs for miracles and excitement. Gratefulness sometimes gets forgotten. I'm young, I don't have the wisdom of years to aide me. I'm hasty and I don't recognize the beauty of the little things when I should.

Granted, I have actually made changes, but I've lost the excitement that comes from something new and unknown. There's only so many ways you can rearrange the furniture before you run out of fresh ideas. It's the same with life. The normal, everydayness doesn't change much.

And to think I was so excited to be coming home. I was so glad to get to see and love on my family. I wanted so much to share the love that had been shared with me and yet pretty much all I've done is slept and been grumpy since I got home.

I'm being honest with myself and with you. I must learn to love God the most even when I'm tired and fatigued. I need to rely on him even when it's uncomfortable. I have so far to go, but I know the reward will be well worth it.


Revelation 4:1
Then I looked, and, oh!—a door open into Heaven. The trumpet-voice, the first voice in my vision, called out, "Ascend and enter. I'll show you what happens next."