Wednesday, December 2, 2009

God, How Do I Live?

I seriously debated whether or not to publish this post. I don't want to give an impression that I am in any way pressured by anyone else to feel the way I do. I don't really feel comfortable showing so much of myself, but I made a pledge to be extremely transparent when I started this blog.

Jesus cried out to God when He was uncertain. I do the same. I openly admit my lack of wisdom in many parts of my life. I need help.

So here it is:

I am so scared I will go through life without ever reaching my full potential . I fear looking back and wishing I had given my life fully in service to Christ.

Yet, every time I try to do God's will in big ways, I freeze up. I can't think, I can't breathe, and I can't force myself beyond the barrier that chokes me.

I believe God will take care of me, I know how much He loves me, I can even convince myself to be brave for Him. But when I try to speak out, my throat closes. I talk myself out of doing anything.

I disappoint myself and run to the grace of my Father. He listens and puts me back on track. But then I fall once again and I run to Him. I reach the high and low of life on an almost weekly basis. A constant cycle of if only...

God, I know you're here with me. I know what your word says. I believe in you, why can't I move forward?

On these nights, when I fear for my as yet unlived life, drama adds tension to my ever changing anguish.

I know I have been called for something greater than this, but I can't touch it. I don't know how to cope with this. I'm obviously missing something. God, what do I do?


Bonita said...

Do the next thing, the little thing staring you in the face. The big things aren't really big things at all, just a series of obedience to the little things.

Rest and let God lead and do the work. It's not really up to you. Enjoy God and He will get you where you need to go in life. No pressure, no worries. (think Simone and Pumba).

Anonymous said...

Action in the face of fear,you are learning life's lessons very early.